1 PETER 3:1-6

February 16, 2020

Last Friday was Valentine’s Day.  It’s interesting to review the origin and
history of the day –named after Saint Valentine of Rome.  Actually, he did have a little to do with the
romantic love for which we celebrate the day. 
He was a priest in Rome who was martyred on February 14, 269,  supposedly for performing secret weddings for
Christian soldiers forbidden to marry.  You
see, it was thought married men didn’t make good soldiers, so Emperor Claudius
outlawed marriage!  The legend says,
after performing the ceremony, Valentine cut out paper hearts for these newly-married
soldiers to be reminded of their commitment. 

Valentine was named a saint by Pope Gelasius in 496.  Yet another legend says he healed the
daughter of the judge who sentenced him to death of her blindness.  He then sent a farewell letter to the
daughter before his execution, and signed it, Your Valentine.  Today, you can even visit the Basilica of
Santa Maria in Rome to see his floral-crowned skull.  That’ll give you warm fuzzies on Valentine’s
Day. 

I won’t recite all the history, but through the years, it
became the romantic day of today.  Such
that, in the US, it’s estimated 190 million cards are given annually, second
only to Christmas, not counting the hundreds of millions exchanged by children
at school.  Further, with those cards,
flowers, chocolates, jewelry, etc., it is estimated the average expenditure per
person for the day is $136 – for a whopping total of $18 billion.  It is a commercial boon for the economy.  

Why do we do it?  I
suppose it gives an annual opportunity to express love for that special
someone.  Valentine’s Day gives us the
opportunity to say, I love you, do you love me, check yes or no.  Or to say, will you marry me?  Or, will you forgive me?  You see, we’re always trying to figure out
relationships – especially the husband-wife relationship. 

We’re always
trying to figure out marriage.  How do I
determine the one who’s right for me? 
Once I’ve found him or her, how to I convince them, he’s the one, she’s
the one?  Then, once we get married, how
do I keep him/her?  Or, once we get married, how do I get out if
it doesn’t work?  We seek answers to
those questions from every available source. 
For example, some children ages 6 to 10, were asked the following
questions:

How do you
decide who to marry?

Alan, age 10,
responded, “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”  As I understand it, Alan is still single.

Kirsten, also
age 10, said, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going
to marry.  God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

Another
question, What is the right age to get married?

Camille, age
10, “Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.”

On the other
hand Freddie, age 6, said, “No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to get married.”

One more.  How can you tell if two people are
married?  Derrick, age 8 responded, “You
might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.”

Well, the Scripture says much about marriage – especially
since God is the one who created it.  He
knows how it should work – even in the midst of brokenness.  And so, for example, we find many so-called
household codes in the NT – by Paul and Peter, for example.  We are studying I Peter, and we find he
records a household code.  But we must
remember the context.  If we simply use I
Peter as marriage manual, we’re missing it. 
He’s writing to a group of believers suffering persecution for their
faith.  And he writes to tell them how to
live beautiful lives in the midst of such opposition – for the purpose of
making Christ and His gospel attractive – to include to unbelieving husbands.  Peter lists three relationships of authority,
within which those under authority may face challenges:

People
and Unbelieving Governments (2:13-17)Slaves
and Unbelieving Masters (2:18-20)Wives
and Unbelieving Husbands (3:1-6)

And right in the middle, Peter gave us Jesus as the example
of one who suffered unjustly – and how we should follow in His steps.  We arrive today at the third one – wives to
husbands – actually whether believing or unbelieving.  Let’s read the text – I Peter 3:1-6. 

You know at Alliance, we are committed to Scripture.  If it says it, we believe it.  Now, I know there are cultural issues in the
Bible; that is, there are some descriptive and some prescriptive elements.  What that means is, there are some things
recorded that describe events as they unfolded. 
They’re not meant to prescribe for us the way we’re to do things.  For example, when Abraham sent his servant
Eliezer to get a wife for Isaac, Eliezer ended up giving the prospective bride,
Rebekah, a nose ring.  That doesn’t mean
wedding rings should be replaced with nose rings, it doesn’t mean we should
select our wives from among distant relatives, and it doesn’t mean we should have
someone propose to someone else we don’t know.

But there are some prescriptive passages of Scripture which
clearly articulate roles, responsibilities, expectations, and commands.  Genesis 2, which tells of the creation of
Adam and Eve, for example.  How do we
know it’s prescriptive?  Well, for one
thing, it speaks generally of the relationship between husbands and wives.  And for another, both Jesus and Paul used the
passage for their teaching on marriage. 
So, principles in Genesis 2 transcend time and culture.  For example, as I said a couple weeks ago –
the Scripture regulates slavery, but God did not invent it.  But God did design marriage, and further, tells
us how it works best. 

All that to say this: we are committed to, actually bound to
the instructions of Scripture.  We’re not
going to try to dismiss what the Bible says as culturally irrelevant or
outdated.  As the Creator and Designer of
the marriage relationship, we believe God’s principles and commands in
Scripture concerning husbands and wives are not only binding, but best.  God did not sit in heaven and say, let’s see,
how can I design the marriage relationship to be the most impossible task in the
world – a relationship that will be the most dysfunctional and bring the most
heartache?  And how can I really irritate
women?  God did not do that – He has our
best in mind.  His goal for marriage is
that it be joy-filled – that it reflect as closely as possible the relationship
between Christ and His bride, the Church.  Remember – that’s the foundation. 

So, with all that in mind, we arrive at the text.  And there are principles here that will help
make these relationships work well – for the glory of Christ – out of reverence
for Christ – to make Him and His gospel beautiful. 

Now, Paul says wives are to submit to their husbands, as to
the Lord in Ephesians 5.  In Colossians
3:18, he says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as is fitting in the
Lord.”  In I Peter 3:1, Peter says, “In
the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands…” with respectful
(fearful) behavior.  Titus 2:5 says wives
are “to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own
husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”  A response of the redeemed wife is to submit
to the husband’s God-ordained headship within the home as to the Lord.  Failure to do so results the word of God
being dishonored.

Now, what does it mean to “submit”?  The word means to subject, to subordinate, or
to be under the authority of another.  It
was a military term and was used of the authority an officer has over a
subordinate.  Now, this is extremely
important: the word is in the middle voice. 
Meaning, nowhere are men told to subordinate their wives – nowhere are
men commanded to make their wives obey – any more than wives are commanded to
make their husbands love them.  It is a
command to the wives – wives, submit yourselves.  Peter and Paul tell wives to submit
themselves to their husbands.  This
submission is to be a willful, voluntary act on the part of the wife to come
under the authority and headship of the husband.  So, what does all that mean?  Let’s start first with what it does not mean:

Submission
does not mean putting a husband in the place of Christ.  Paul said, “be subject to your own
husbands, as to the Lord.”  In other
words, submission to your husband is an act of obedience to Christ, and is
to mirror your submission to Him.Second,
submission does not mean giving up independent thought.  The Christian wife should still hear,
ponder, understand, and respond to the Word of God herself.  She is still to be a thinking person,
and not abdicate her responsibility to make moral, thoughtful, wise, godly
decisions.In
fact, third, we see from I Peter, submission does not mean a wife should
give up efforts to influence her husband. 
Peter says wives should try to influence unbelieving husbands to
become Christians.  However,
fourth, we see that submission does not mean a wife should give in to
every demand of her husband.  If he
demands she do something contrary to the clearly revealed Word of God, she
should respectfully decline.Fifth,
submission does not mean a wife should endure the abuses of her
husband.  I have never counseled a
woman to stay in a home where she is being physically or verbally abused.  If she fears for her safety or the
safety of her children, she should remove herself from that
environment.  However, that
separation should be for the purpose of discipline and ultimate
restoration.  You say, well, what if
he never changes – what if the danger is always there?  Then she should not go home.Sixth,
submission is not based on lesser intelligence or competence.  We are not talking about
inferiority/superiority. We’re talking about loving headship and willful
submission.  Which
leads to the last one:  submission
is not inconsistent with equality in Christ.  Men and women, husbands and wives have
been equally redeemed and have equal importance, dignity, honor, and value
before the Lord Jesus Christ.  It is
simply a matter of function. 

So what, then, does submission mean? 

First,
submission is an inner quality of gentleness that affirms the leadership
of the husband.  Let me say it
again: the wife willingly submits to the authority and leadership of the
husband in the marriage relationship. 
It means making a choice to affirm your husband as the leader
within limits of obedience to Christ. 
It includes a demeanor that honors him as the leader, even if you
disagree.  It’s an attitude that
goes much deeper than mere obedience– it is respectful affirmation of his
God-given responsibility to lead.  Second,
I’m just going to comment on this. 
Submission acknowledges an authority that is not totally
mutual.  What do I mean?  There is a sense in which husbands have
an authority that you do not have. 
Nowhere are husbands told, explicitly, to submit to their
wives.  However, in every context in
the New Testament where husband/wife relationships are discussed, the wife
is commanded to submit to her husband.Third,
we see submission is to be to your own husbands.  Peter does not ask every women to submit
to every man – not every male/female relationship requires submission on
the part of the woman to the man – but rather, it is commanded for wives
to submit to their own husbands.  And
finally, as I noted earlier, your submission is to be as to the Lord.  In fact, Paul later says, as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in
everything.  You don’t get to pick
and choose.  Unless it violates the
clear teaching of the Word of God, it is submission. 

With all that said, what does this submission look like?  I believe Peter gives us a description of respectful
submission in our text today. 

Notice Peter says, “if
any of them are disobedient to the word.” 
While this is the passage we use to counsel wives who are married to
unbelieving husbands, please understand it applies to you whether your husband
is an unbeliever or a believer.  And, we
have before us a description of what godly submission looks like.  Notice verses 5 and 6, “For in this way…the
holy women also…used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own
husbands….”  This is a description of the
submissive wife, and we see three ways in which a woman lives this life:

Number one, she concentrates on living the Word,
not preaching the Word (1-2)Number two, she accentuates the internals, not
the externals (3-4)And number three, she emulates the holy women of
the past, not the unholy women of the present (5-6)

Again, we note the response of the wife to the husband is
irrespective of the husband’s spiritual condition.  Here, if the husband is an unbeliever, it
does not excuse the wife from her responsibility to submit and demonstrate that
in these ways.  For the purpose of making
the gospel attractive.  You see, in the
culture Peter addresses, it was expected that the wife have no friends – only
his, and that she worship the god of her husband.  So for her to commit to Christ was
scandalous.  And so Peter is simply
trying to preserve the Gospel and its impact. 
Notice, he doesn’t subvert the family order – but he does address wives
– as he did the slaves.  Scandalous.  What is interesting is women back then would
have celebrated what Peter said – he actually spoke to them.  But today, people are offended for the
opposite reason.  Please understand,
Peter was going against the status quo. 
He was elevating women. 

So, first, you are to live the Word before him, not preach
the Word to him.  There is obviously both
positive and negative aspects to this principle.

Let’s start with the negative – you are not to preach the
Word to him.  That’s a big one.  When your husband is disobedient to the Word,
what’s the first thing you want to do? 
Point it out to him – repeatedly – until he gets it.  You have the idea if he’s wrong, if you just
make him aware of it, he’ll change.  And
if he doesn’t change the first time, you’ll tell him again, and again, until he
does.  Peter says, don’t preach the Word,
instead, the positive side of the command is, live the Word before him.  If he isn’t doing what’s right, you make sure
you do.  Your life will be an example to
him.  Peter says, they will be changed as
they observe your chaste and respectful behavior, literally, your pure and
fearful manner of life. 

I know that’s very easy for me to say, and very hard to
do.  Everything in you, especially as you
still deal with your own sin, wants to rise up and read him the riot act – in a
godly way.  You’ve got chapter and verse,
and it’s your job to set him straight. 
It is – but you’ve got to do it the right way.  Live chapter and verse before him.  And as you live it before him, allow the
Spirit of God to take your living epistle, and change his life. 

And you say, so, is there never a time when I, as a wife, should
confront my husband?  I’m not saying
that.  I believe in a godly home, where
husband and wife both want to live out the truths and principles of the Word of
God, the husband will want you, he will invite you to hold him accountable to
biblical truth.  But what if he
doesn’t?  Then, you don’t, you simply live
it.

Which brings us to our second point, the submissive wife is
to accentuate the internals, not the externals. 
Notice the word, merely in
verse 3 is italicized.  That means it’s
not in the original text, it was provided by the translators for
understanding.  And most believe that’s
right – don’t just concentrate on your appearance – don’t concentrate merely on
the externals, your primary focus should rather be internal.  Now, there have been groups who have taken
this passage and taught women should not wear any jewelry, any make-up, etc,
and I suppose that’s fine.  But I don’t
think Peter is ruling that out – I believe he’s ruling out an undue emphasis on
what you look like externally to the neglect of what you look like internally.

He lists three specific areas, three specific externals
women then seemed to focus on:  hair,
jewelry, and clothes.  There was a major
emphasis on adorning yourself in such a way as to draw attention to yourself by
excessive hairdos, ostentatious jewelry, and expensive and attention-grabbing
clothing. 

That’s interesting. 
What percentage of commercials and advertisements deal with hair
products, jewelry, and clothing – in short, the way you look on the
outside?  Again, I’m not saying not to
look nice.  The emphasis is not to be on
the external, but the internal.  And
there’s a simple question to ascertain where you are with that – I probably shouldn’t
ask, but here goes:  Do you spend as much
time dressing up the inside each day as you spend dressing up the outside? 

Peter tells us an exterior emphasis results in braided hair
(back then, an ornate presentation of hair), gold jewelry, and finely adorned
clothing.  He also tells us what an
interior emphasis results in:  a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.  Who are you trying to please?  Think about it – when you come face to face
with God, and that’s the implication here – in the sight of God, when you come
face to face with Him – do you think He cares whether you have the latest
fashion and the finest jewelry?  Do you
think He cares what your hair looks like? 
He’ll be looking for a gentle and quiet spirit.  (David)

Now, hang with me. 
This is going to bring some balance to what we’re talking about.  A gentle and quiet spirit – what’s the mental
picture you have of a gentle and quiet spirit? 
A weak, spineless, mindless woman? 
One who doesn’t speak her mind, because she doesn’t have a mind.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

The word gentle is
the word praos – and it only appears
four times in the New Testament.  The
first time it’s used is in the Beatitudes – in Matthew 5:5, we read, “Blessed
are the gentle [praos], for they
shall inherit the earth.”  Meek is
perhaps a better word for gentle.  It
includes the idea of gentleness, but it’s much more than that.  It is not insisting on one’s own rights, not
being pushy or selfishly assertive, or demanding one’s own way.

Again, when we think of meek, we think of weak, cowardly,
spineless people.  Blessed are the meek,
the weak, the spineless, the mushy, the pathetic.  Blessed are those who have no backbone, who
don’t stand for anything.  And what Peter
is saying here is the wife needs to be that kind of person – a mealy-mouthed,
subservient, spineless, mindless person. 
Is that right?  No.

The word praos in
extra-biblical literature gives a good picture of the word.  There it speaks of a wild animal, like a wild
stallion, that has been tamed.  Before,
it was useless – of little value – running into fences, kicking, biting,
causing all kinds of problems.  But, once
it has been tamed, it becomes useful to the master.  Now, when you think of a wild animal, such as
a horse or a lion, being tamed, do you think of it being weak or powerless?  No – rather, it is power under control.  That is praos. 

Remember, I said there are only four times the word is
used.  Here in I Peter, in Matthew 5 when
it describes blessed people, and two other times when it is used to describe
Jesus Himself.  Once, in Matthew 21, at
the Triumphal Entry when He riding into Jerusalem on the colt of a donkey, we
read that He was gentle/meek/praos.  By the way, what’s the next thing we read
Jesus did after the Triumphal Entry?  He
went into the Temple and drove out the moneychangers.  That’s power under control.

Then, the only other time it was used is when Jesus gave a
description of Himself.  Of all the
things He could have said about Himself, He chose this word.  He could have said, I am all powerful, I am
all knowing, I am faithful, I am loving, I am just, etc..  But He didn’t.  The only time He gave a self-description, He
said, “Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for
I am gentle [praos] – for I am meek
and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

When Peter is telling you to be gentle and quiet, he’s not
telling you to be mindless, spineless and powerless.  He’s telling you to be power under
control.  He’s telling you to be like
Jesus.  Every one of you know you have
the power with your tongues to thrash your husband.  To lash out – even with truth and use it as a
battering ram.  Peter says, don’t do it.  Rather, cultivate the hidden person of the
heart to be gentle and quiet – for this is precious in the sight of God.  How so? 
Because that kind of spirit, that kind of gentleness and quietness must
of necessity place a continual and confident trust in God.  And while hairdos come and go, while hair
falls out and turns grey and white, while gold tarnishes, and while clothing
becomes outdated, old and discarded, this kind of spirit, this quality of
spirit, is imperishable.

By the way – one more thought.  When he says gentle and quiet, the idea of
quiet is peaceful.  Cultivate a calming
and peaceful influence in your family. 
One said it this way – while the husband, as the head of the home,
determines the direction of the home, you, as the wife, determine the
atmosphere.  Don’t contribute to the
chaos.  Strive to provide balance, peace,
calmness, security – quietness in your home. 
Work to make your home a place of rest.

Which, very quickly, brings us to
our last point:  emulate the holy women
of the past, not the unholy women of the present.  Peter even cites the example of Sarah.  Now, I want you to think about that.  Sarah was not perfect – she made her share of
mistakes, some of them serious.  But the
testimony of Scripture is she was a holy and godly woman, proven by her actions
and her attitude.  She demonstrated a
submissive spirit in her actions by obeying her husband, and in her attitude by
calling him lord.  Now, before anyone
gets too carried away with that – know that the term “lord” was simply an
expression of honor and respect.  (Genesis 18)

Emulate the holy women of the past, and not the unholy women
of the present.  Let me ask you,  who do you want to be like?  Some air-brushed celebrity?  Some talent who can sing and dance seductively
with virtually no clothes on?  Fill in
any present day, cultural, female icon, who does not know the Lord.  Who do you want to be like?

How about Sarah or Zipporah, Abigail, Deborah, Mary, Martha,
Mary Magdalene, Priscilla, Dorcas?  You
say, well, I don’t know much about those ladies.  You should – they are just a few of the holy
women of the Bible, whose character you should emulate.

And in so doing, you become children of Sarah.  Much like Abraham is the father of faith, for
all of us, Sarah has become the mother of submissive, godly, faithful
wives.  You become like her, if you do
what is right.  Don’t preach the Word,
live the Word.  Don’t accentuate the
externals, focus on developing the internals. 
Don’t emulate the ungodly women of today, emulate the holy women of
Scripture.  That is the picture of the
submissive wife.

As we close this morning, I know something about some of
you.  You’re marriage is a wreck.  Maybe it isn’t quite a wreck, but it needs some
serious work.  And here I am talking about
wives today, and husbands next time.  And
you’re hoping they’ll listen.  Let me
gently say, maybe you need to. 

Let me suggest what the problem may be.  If you’re like most people, then you look at
the other person as the problem in the marriage.  You may realize you’ve got some changes to
make.  But the real problem lies with
your husband, with your wife.  And you’ve
been waiting for them to listen, to change. 
And all this sermon, and the next one will do is magnify their
faults.  Because you’re listening to what
they are supposed to do.  The only way
this will work is if you listen to what you need to do.  Don’t worry about your husband.  Don’t worry about your wife.  Focus on what you need to do.  And then, as the passage says, watch God do a
work in your spouse’s life.  And if your
spouse doesn’t change – what’s the worst that can happen.  You end up being the husband, the wife, God
wants you to be.  You end up being more
like Jesus.