1 PETER 3:7

March 8, 2020

It is great to be with you today after a trip to Israel a
couple weeks ago.  It was a great time as
we visited places like Caesarea, Nazareth, the Sea of Galilee, Capernaum,
Jericho, Bethlehem and Jerusalem – the Temple Mount, Mount Zion, and the Mount
of Olives.  It was glorious as we
concluded the trip with a visit to Gordon’s Calvary and the Garden Tomb, where
we remembered the death and resurrection of Christ with Communion.  It was sweet with very special people.

It was a deeply spiritual trip.  I was enjoying the flight back to Charlotte
on Lufthansa.  I had downloaded Michael’s
sermon from the previous Sunday, and had just finished listening to it – it was
a great sermon – as was Josh’s last week. 
But on the plane, I looked across the aisle to one of the guys from the
trip – an Elder to remain unnamed – who looked at me and said, “I have some
great country music if you want to listen.” 
Merrill, I mean the Elder, was smirking, knowing my great admiration for
country music.  He said, here’s a good
one, and made me listen to a song called Dead
Skunk.  No, it’s a real song.  Some of the lyrics go like this, speaking of
the skunk:

Crossin’ the highway late last night,
He shoulda looked left and he shoulda looked right.
He didn’t see the station wagon car,
The skunk got squashed and there you are.

You got your
Dead skunk in the middle of the road,
Dead skunk in the middle of the road,
Dead skunk in the middle of the road,
Stinkin’ to high heaven.

Where else but country music can you get such
meaningful lyrics?  The song goes on,
I’ll spare you.  It did get me thinking,
though, about how country music is a gold mine for relationships, especially
the wonderful and abiding husband-wife relationship.  Consider the following (these, by the
way, are actual song titles of country songs – I just picked the top ten among
dozens):

How Can I Miss You If You
Won’t Go Away? I’m So Miserable Without You,
It’s Just Like Having You AroundIf The Phone Don’t Ring,
Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me If You Don’t Leave Me Alone,
I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will My John Deere Was Breaking
Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite
Nobody But Me?Thank God And Greyhound She’s
Gone You Done Tore Out My Heart
And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Were Only A Splinter As I
Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You’re the Reason our Kids
are so Ugly

Now,
to be honest, there is one country song I kind of like.  It’s by Rascal Flatts, titled, Backwards.  It goes like this:

I was sitting on a barstool
In a barbecue joint in Tennessee,
When this old boy walked in
And he sat right down next to me.
I could tell he’d been through some hard times,
‘Cause there were tear stains on his old shirt,
And he said you wanna know what you get
When you play a country song backwards?

You get your house back,
You get your dog back,
You get your best friend Jack back,
You get your truck back,
You get your hair back,
Ya get your first and second jobs back,
Your front porch swing,
Your pretty little thing,
Your bling bling bling and a diamond ring,
You get your farm and the barn and the boat and the Harley,
And that old black cat named Charlie.
It sounds a little crazy, a little scattered and absurd,
But that’s what you get when you play a country song backwards.

Now
that I’ve lost some of you to lyrics running through your minds, come back.  You see, many songs – not just country songs –
bewail the end of a relationship.  Now,
the Scripture says much about the abiding marriage relationship – as God is the
one who created it.  He knows how it
should work – even in the midst of our country-song brokenness. 

And
so, for example, we find many household codes in the NT – by Paul and Peter,
for example.  You see, contrary to those
songs, I’m actually trying in these past two sermons to see what Scripture says
about how to live with each other – husbands and wives – to stay married till
death do us part.  Now remember, we are studying
I Peter, where Peter is writing to struggling, suffering believers.  His purpose is to tell them how to live beautiful
lives in a culture that opposes you and your faith.  How to live beautiful lives to make Christ
and His Gospel attractive.  You see, the
marriage relationship is the model of the relationship Christ has with His
bride, the church, and we should strive to make that model beautiful. 

We’re in the main body of Peter’s letter, extending from
2:11 to 4:11.  He starts by recording his
own household code.  But we must remember
the context.  If we simply use I Peter as
marriage manual, as I said last time, we’re missing it.  Peter lists three relationships of authority,
within which those under authority may face challenges:

People
and Unbelieving Governments (2:13-17)Slaves
and Unbelieving Masters (2:18-20)Wives
and Unbelieving Husbands (3:1-6)

Very
interestingly, Peter does not much address those in authority as Paul
does.  Paul, for example, has much to say
to masters and their relationships with slaves or servants.  He has much to say to husbands and their
relationships with their wives.  Peter
says nothing to masters, and here very little to husbands.  But what he says to husbands is deeply
meaningful and frankly convicting.  So
read the text with me, I Peter 3:7. 

To
sum it up, Peter says we are to live with our wives in (our outline):

An Understanding WayA Supportive WayAn Honoring Way. 
Let’s look at each of those.

First,
I am to live with my wife in an understanding way.  Literally, I am to live with her according to
knowledge.  I am to live with and know my
wife.  That seems easy enough, until you
try to do it.  It takes work.  Now, most of the commentaries point out there
are sexual undertones here.  Without
going into great depth in this audience, it simply means as a husband, I am to
meet my wife’s sexual needs, not merely my own. 

But
further, what does that mean, I am to live with her according to knowledge?  It means I am to be a student of my wife.  I am to study her, understand her, know what
makes her tick, not just what ticks her off. 
That’s right, guys, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
understand your wife.  I know it sounds
like mission impossible.

There
was a man slowly walking along the beach one day on the coast of California
when he discovered a genie’s bottle.  When
he rubbed it, the genie came out, and granted the man one wish.  The man said, “I’ve always wanted to go to
Hawaii, but I’m afraid of flying.  Would
you build me a bridge to Hawaii?”  The
genie responded, “Listen, I know you humans think we can do anything, but do
you understand what you’re asking? 
That’s a three thousand mile trip – that would be an engineering marvel.  Ask for something else.”  So the man thought for a moment and
remembered why he had been walking on the beach.  “Okay, my wife and I just had a fight.  She says I never understand her – grant me
the ability to understand women.”  To
which the genie responded, “You want that bridge two or four lanes?”

It
may sound like an impossible mission, but we are commanded to live with our
wives according to knowledge.  When we
say, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” to live with her according to
knowledge means we’re willing to make the trip to Venus.  You’re willing to live in her world, probe
beneath the surface, understand and meet her needs and desires.  Who is this woman you’ve married?  What goes on inside her mind and heart?  What are her fears?  Her dreams? 
The idea is not only to know and understand her, but having done so,
live with her in such a way that you are considerate with that knowledge – you
do something with it.  You know, when the
Bible says we are to leave our parents and cleave to our wives, it means we are
to be actively involved in the lives of our wives.  We pursue them – we know them. 

We’ve
got to hear that, guys.  Let’s be
honest.  We’ve hid behind the shield of
ignorance long enough.  The problem with
most of us is not that we don’t know – the problem is that we refuse to act on
the knowledge we already have.  Live with
your wives with knowledge – in an understanding and considerate way.

Secondly,
we are to live with them in a supportive way. 
I get that simply from the phrase, “live with your wives in an
understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.”  Now, that’s not meant to be demeaning, a slam
or chauvinistic.  We first need to
eliminate, as I said last time, any idea of inferiority.  Peter is not saying women are morally,
spiritually, or intellectually weaker or inferior.  They are not. 
Let’s be honest, many of our wives are superior in most of those
ways.  Some want to say Peter is
referring to physical strength here, and I suppose there is a sense in which
that is true.  Generally, men are
physically stronger than their wives. 
That’s not a statement of condescension – I wouldn’t want my wife to be
able to beat me in arm wrestling. 

The
point is, we should use our strength to support our wives.  To provide for and protect our wives.  I remember reading a book on Christian
counseling during my college years, and the author astutely pointed out that
while a man’s primary need is significance, a woman’s primary need is
security.  She needs to feel secure in
the relationship, and so God gave men strength to make that happen. 

But, like
many of God’s gifts, physical strength may also be used to abuse wives.  And many of you have used your physical
strength to intimidate and manipulate your wives.  That is not what God intended.  You should never raise your hand to your
wife.  That is not living with them in an
understanding and considerate way. 

I
also think masculine physical strength may be used to abuse what I believe
Peter is actually talking about in this passage.  In what way, within the context, are women
weaker?  Is it just physical
strength?  I don’t think so.  Earlier, in verse 1 of the chapter, Peter had
told wives to be submissive to their own husbands, even as Paul had done in his
letters.  We saw this is a voluntary act
on the part of the woman – they voluntarily place themselves under the headship
and authority of their husbands. 
Remember, this isn’t an act of superiority – it isn’t that men have
earned the right to be the head of their homes – it simply means that
functionally, that’s the way God designed it. 
Tana – wisdom – seek counsel.

Of
course, we understand the saying is true that power corrupts, and absolute
power corrupts absolutely.  We understand
the results of the curse – men often rule over their wives in a domineering,
dictatorial, iron-fisted way.  Peter
says, don’t do it.  Don’t wield your
power and authority over your wife in an inappropriate way – live with them as
with someone weaker.  Meaning, they have
less authority than you – they are voluntarily submitting to your leadership –
don’t abuse it.  Use your authority to
live with them in an understanding way. 
Rather than using our strength and authority to get our way, we use it
to support them.  There is a sense in which
we use our strength to serve them – is that not what Christ did for us?  So what does Paul mean when he says, love
your wives as Christ loved the church and give Himself up for her.  Our strength should not be a source of
intimidation and fear for them, it should be a source of strength and security
as we lift them.

Thirdly,
we are to live with them in an honoring way – simply said – we are to honor our
wives.  How do we do that?  The word literally speaks of honor, respect,
recognition, price or value.  In chapter
2, the word was translated, precious – the precious cornerstone.  It means we esteem them, we place high value
on them.  It means we recognize, respect
and acknowledge all they do, and honor them for the way God made them and for
their priceless contributions to our lives and the lives of our families.

I
really want to stress the vocal part of this responsibility.  Most men are not very good at communicating,
and most are even worse at verbalizing appreciation and honor for and to their
wives.  When is the last time you told
your wife you appreciated her?  When is
the last time you complimented her?  To
honor is to affirm her gifts, abilities and accomplishments and express
appreciation and gratitude, both privately, and publicly.  One commentary said this:  honor not expressed is not honor, gratitude
not expressed is not gratitude.  That old
saying, I told you when I married you that I loved you – if it ever changes,
I’ll let you know, is dumb. 

A husband is to live with his wife in an understanding,
supportive and honoring way.  And we do
that for a couple of very important reasons, one positive, one negative.  The positive side of the truth is our wives
are fellow heirs with us of the grace of life. 
Fellow heirs – they have been equally created in the image of God, they
have been equally redeemed, and they have equal standing, grace and reward
before the Father.  Paul said it this way
in Galatians 3, “There is neither Jew nor
Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female;
for you are all one in Christ Jesus,” 
Whatever our station in life within the structures God has set up, we
are all equal heirs of the grace of God. 

And negatively speaking, if we fail to live with our wives
in this way, our relationship with them will be less than what God designed it
to be.  And our relationship with Him
will be less than it can be, because we see failure to apply these principles
actually results in my prayers being hindered. 
You see, there is a sense in which my relationship with God affects all
other relationships.  And there is a
sense in which my relationship with my wife affects my relationship with God.  Abusing my relationship with my wife hinders
my relationship with God.

There are three times we read that God will
not hear our prayers:

First, when we
regard iniquity or wickedness in our hearts. 
If we are in willful sin, refusing to repent, God will not hear us.
(Psalm 66:18)Second, when we
ask for things with wrong motives – to spend it on our own pleasures rather
than for God’s good purposes. (James 4:3)And third is
here – if we refuse to understand, support and honor our wives.  There is a sense in which, if we know what we
should do in this relationship, and we don’t, we are sinning – we are keeping
iniquity in our hearts.  We are selfish,
seeking our own pleasures, and not our wives – whom we are supposed to love as
Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her.

In other words, while this a short verse, it
is full of most necessary truth.  Simple
questions:  does your wife feel
understood, in that you seek to listen to and understand her?  Does your wife feel supported, or
intimidated?  Does your wife feel
honored, as a joint heir in the grace of life? 
Or does she feel beneath you because you make sure she knows who you
are, rather than who Christ is?