RECONCILE

RECONCILE provides Coaching and Mediation. These intervention services are described in detail in RECONCILE’s Intervention Procedures in the Resources section below.

When only one spouse is willing to participate, RECONCILE provides Coaching. In Coaching, RECONCILE helps the participating spouse take steps to reconcile conflicts and resolve disputes with their spouse on their own. RECONCILE also helps the participating spouse encourage their spouse to join so that the couple can pursue reconciliation and resolution together in Mediation. Coaching is provided through telephone and video conferences.

When both spouses are willing to participate, RECONCILE provides Mediation. In Mediation, RECONCILE Peace Advocates guide and assist couples to resolve their conflict, reconcile their relationship, and pursue a plan to heal and rebuild their marriage. The goal of Mediation is to help couples, with the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit, apply biblical truth in their marriage and make commitments to each other that honor and please the Lord. Understandings reached, promises made, and plans agreed upon are memorialized in a written Memorandum of Understanding, which provides the couple with a roadmap and reminders for their marriage in the future. Mediation is provided through individual and joint telephone and video conferences and in-person meetings.

RECONCILE services are provided to husbands and wives who are members or regular attenders of Alliance Bible Fellowship and are experiencing severe distress and conflicts in their marriage. Spouses and couples are referred to RECONCILE by an Alliance pastor.

RECONCILE serves spouses who are referred by one of our pastors. Spouses who contact a pastor for help will be provided a RECONCILE Referral Request form to complete and return to the pastor. Spouses may also complete and submit a Referral Request to a pastor by clicking the blue button above. If the pastor determines that RECONCILE is the right ministry to help, the Referral Request will be forwarded to the RECONCILE Director. The director will make contact by phone to obtain more information, answer questions, and discuss the next steps.

Coaching and Mediation are provided by Peace Advocates. Peace Advocates are Alliance members who have completed extensive biblically based training designed to equip them to help conflicted spouses and couples understand God’s plan and provision for peace and His path to reconciliation and resolution of their conflicts and disputes. They serve as volunteers because they love Jesus and desire to assist and encourage married couples experiencing difficult times. All Peace Advocates commit to the Code of Ethics in the Resources section below.

RECONCILE does not provide marriage counseling or marriage mentoring. While Peace Advocates provide guidance and direction during Coaching and Mediation, their counsel is based on biblical principles and focuses on the attitudes or actions the spouses should thoughtfully examine and prayerfully consider concerning their conflicts and disputes. While a commitment to more comprehensive professional counseling or marriage mentoring may be part of the spouses’ final understanding, Peace Advocates are not marriage counselors or mentors. The role of the Peace Advocate is to help couples address their conflicts and disputes in a biblically faithful manner.

Intervention services provided through RECONCILE are intended to address relational conflicts and minor disputes. RECONCILE does not assist spouses with the resolution of legal issues such as divorce, spousal support, child custody, child support, or property division and distribution. If help with these types of legal issues is needed, RECONCILE will refer the couple to others who are positioned to assist them with these matters.

Peace Advocates cannot and do not provide legal advice. Ethical rules prohibit a Peace Advocate from giving legal advice or preparing legally binding documents. This is true even if a Peace Advocate happens to be an attorney. Attorneys are not permitted to participate in RECONCILE. If either spouse feels they need legal advice, they must seek it from an independent attorney outside the RECONCILE process.

Coaching and Mediation services are provided without charge. Spouses and couples are expected to exercise their best efforts to prepare for and constructively engage in meaningful and productive meetings and to promptly complete all homework assigned by their Peace Advocate.

It is not possible to provide a specific timeframe for every intervention. Each case and each couple are unique. Spouses respond differently, and scheduling can prove challenging. The purpose of every intervention, however, is to help the conflicted spouses break the destructive cycle of conflict, reach reconciliation through confession and forgiveness, and agree upon a plan to promote further healing and rebuild their marriage. Because of the focused nature of RECONCILE interventions, they are relatively short-term engagements, with most being completed within six months after the Peace Advocate is assigned.

Marriage conflict has many different sources. With increasing frequency, spousal abuse is emerging as a significant contributor, if not the primary contributor, to the marital strife many couples are facing. Spousal abuse is any pattern of behavior or practice in a marriage that one spouse uses to gain or maintain power and control over the other spouse. Abuse can take many different forms. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic/financial, psychological, or technological. It is often a combination of these. Abuse includes any behaviors by one spouse that oppress, intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound the other spouse.
While conflict in general is difficult and painful to overcome, conflict created or contributed to by spousal abuse presents special challenges. First, abuse can be difficult to identify and expose. Many abusers are skilled at hiding their actions or justifying them when they have been exposed. Sometimes, they have convinced their spouse that they are the problem. Second, the damage done and wounds suffered by victimized spouses and family members are profound and difficult to heal. Third, the reasons one spouse abuses another are many and complex, and can take a considerable amount of time to unpack and overcome, even when an abusive spouse is willing. Reconcile and its Peace Advocates are sensitive to these special challenges.

We believe that with God, all things are possible. Through the presence and power of the Holy Spirit and guidance and direction He provides in His Word, spouses struggling with conflict related to abuse can be healed and reconciled. Peace Advocates know that is what God wants, but they are also sensitive to the fact that His path for each spouse and couple is different because all spouses and their situations are different. While there are resources and guidance that may help navigate abuse, there is no formula or standard approach for abuse cases. There can’t be. Peace Advocates understand this; they strive to love spouses where they are and to support and encourage them to find and follow the unique path God has for them.
While it is impossible to describe the exact process that will be followed or the likely outcomes in abuse cases, spouses can expect their Peace Advocates to be informed and guided by these general principles in all abuse cases.

1. Abuse in any form is sin, period. There can be no negotiation on sin issues. It cannot and must not be tolerated, managed, or accommodated, not even a little. While this may take time and professional help, it must be eradicated, and the abusive spouse must do all God directs and expects to accomplish this.

2. It is essential for both spouses, the abuser and the abused, to accept personal responsibility for their respective sins and contributions to their conflict. Jesus commands this, and Peace Advocates will encourage this because genuine confession and repentance bring cleansing, healing, and mercy. Abused spouses, however, are NOT responsible for the abusive behavior they have endured. That abusive behavior frequently involves attempts by the abusive spouse to convince the other that they are. Peace Advocates are sensitive to this abuse dynamic and strive to help spouses identify and take responsibility only for the things God holds them responsible.

3. As RECONCILE ministry descriptions and Services Agreements state, Peace Advocates are not trained counselors, and, regardless of training or expertise, do not provide counseling, advice, or services of the type spouses might seek or receive from an independent counselor, therapist, or other professional. While Peace Advocates are abuse sensitive, professional counseling or therapy to address the abusive behavior and its impacts may be needed by either or both spouses, during their work with RECONCILE and thereafter as part of their rebuilding plan.

4. If abuse has occurred or is occurring, it cannot be denied or ignored. The risks of harm to both spouses and their family are too great. If the abusive spouse does not acknowledge the abusive behavior, confrontation to bring it into the light is essential. Peace Advocates are aware that the prospect of this type of confrontation is daunting for the abused spouse and that care must be taken to ensure that it occurs in the safest possible environment.

5. God commands that those blessed with His forgiveness forgive others. For an abused spouse, forgiving the abuser is always hard. The more intense and long-standing the abuse, the harder it is. Because forgiveness is best for the forgiver and the one forgiven, Peace Advocates will urge all spouses to forgive, including those who have endured abuse, and will support them as they do so. Part of that support will be helping them understand what forgiveness is, and what it does and doesn’t do. Forgiveness is not approval or validation of the abusive behavior. It does not give the abusive spouse permission to continue it. It does not diminish the seriousness of the abuse or the significance of the harm done. It does not eliminate consequences or remove the need for boundaries and other protections to keep the abused spouse and the family safe from further harm.

6. God does not expect any spouse to live in dangerous conditions. Because of the serious risk of harm created by abusive behavior, Peace Advocates know that guardrails and boundaries are frequently needed to ensure that abused spouses and their children are safe and secure. They will encourage spouses to discuss the protections that are needed and include them in their plan to rebuild their marriage. Requiring that appropriate and measured protections be established or maintained is not to punish the abusive spouse, nor is it inconsistent with the granting of forgiveness by the abused spouse. Frequently, such protections are essential to establishing a secure and stable foundation on which the spouses can successfully rebuild their marriage. The more significant the abuse and damage done, the more extensive and long-lasting the protections put in place should be, possibly even extending to separation, and limited or supervised contact or communications. Peace Advocates will also help spouses reach agreement on how protections put in place will be enforced, and under what circumstances they may be modified or eliminated.

7. In mediation, parties control the outcome. Peace Advocates respect and protect each spouse’s right to be heard, to make free and informed choices during the mediation, and to make voluntary, uncoerced decisions regarding the outcome.

8. Mediation is a voluntary process. Success is possible only if both spouses participate openly, honestly, and in good faith. If it appears one spouse is not doing so, the Peace Advocates or the Ministry Director may suspend RECONCILE proceedings and refer the couple into the care of the church leaders who do have authority over them. Peace Advocates, the RECONCILE Director, or church leaders may also contact law enforcement or other appropriate civil authorities whenever they feel it is needed to prevent harm.

We hope this information provides a better understanding of how the RECONCILE ministry serves spouses seeking to navigate and overcome abuse and the harm it brings. If you are the victim of abuse, please get help without delay. It is unlikely your situation will get better without some intervention. If you are or have been abusive to your spouse or family, please get help without delay. The continuation of any form of abusive behavior will destroy you as well as those around you.